Grayer thickets

Sean Jill Us

our eyes once bordered with auburn-oak whiskers and tresses now speak through grayer thickets.

the smiles express from more than they did 131,400 hours before now.

it’s not that your younger grin inspired less or mine felt less.

it’s that our inner rungs have wrestled a lot since – a healthy stretching of emotive taffy.

 

so now intrinsic muscles flex these grins

upward with fuller comprehension.

 

understanding is a strange tenet of companionship.

because half the time it’s an exercise lassoed to self-realization:

do i see him as he is? or do i see him as projected interpretation?

(please, please have me see his uniqueness as it really lives

…the massive integrity of which deserves a cheering stadium of response).

 

in this particular hour, we join as we individuate

as love keeps renovating relational space.

while i search the trinity, and you the reach of euclid,

we diverge a little

expand a little

 

and through daily moments, we commune in progressive depth.

Intertwined

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Where does compassion for others (or even for one’s self) really come from?

Answering this has been an interesting self study involving some ego bruising realizations. Many years ago at the start of adult life and building a path, I envisioned living out a sense of purpose in service for others, a longing to help “make the world a better place.” Then somewhere down the line, my ego unleashed its insecurity on a much more conscious and wounded level.

Something about “making the world a better place” no longer rang true, it was an empty way to frame my life’s productivity. I’m not sure how else to describe it.

It was as if a mental release valve popped off one year and out burst tons of confused or lacking definitions of real internal wellness. I realized my intended trajectory of a life’s work “based on service to others” had finally revealed a very unhealthy subconscious habit….what could be called a severe self-acceptance  deficit.

I had come to see that my well intended path toward helping the world had a very harsh condition attached to it (unbeknownst to my self awareness for years)… that being: this gift of life was deemed worthy only IF it was caring or serving the neediness of this world. As in, this heart deserved to beat only to place others’ needs ahead of my own. Any offerings of compassion or service or tenderness to others equated to some inner sense of value. But all those offers of care outwardly did not equate to extending a sense of care inwardly.  So after years of working from this deeply buried but active premise — the mental and spiritual energy just gave out, burning to ash any desire to benefit other people. That absense of both inward compassion and tenderness left a big ole hole inside where self-respect needed to replant.

Since then, it’s been a more humbling and conscious (still bumpy) path toward a new outlook: compassion intertwines with respect, for self and others, like a branch with its blooms.